Random Thoughts and whatever LOL :)

OK. Today I got my first verdict from my first case as a defense attorney. An equivalent of an aquittal. (My client was charged with Robbery in the First Degree, a felony which carrys a minimum of either 5 years, or 7.5 years up to 15 depending on the interpretation of his predicate status, and he was convicted of what I asked the jury to convict him of, the Assault in the Third Degree, a misdemeanor). How does it feel? Well, this is why I read what I read now. It feels good...people know about this, it was an extremely difficult case, the judge and his law clerk expressed shock and disbelief, I honestly didn't think my client committed the robbery (but that isn't what matters for me). What the scary thing is.....being able to handle this all in perspective. I can't allow the fact that I got this verdict to make me feel happy....to have a feeling of exhilaration.....because...what happens when or if you lose a case? There are things outside of my control. I am trying to practice this concept that happiness begins and ends with me.
Now let's not be mistaken. It is a great thing, many people knew about this case..and know that I did win it..which will give you (the illusion?) a certain reputation. Of course you need a few under your belt to prove it's not luck. But then what? Can you live your entire life in a win/loss column? What kind of life is that? What kind of stress is that? I have to make sure that I am happy in my work...that I am content in my development....and derive my satisfaction from that. But, don't get my wrong...I'm happy.

As a side note, my wife's 35th birthday was on Tuesday...of course I didn't get her anything because...I was writing my summation (where at 11:30 at night, I realized I was going to lose this case, without question...unless my client testified). So today, after I picked up my car (because yes...the windsheild had cracked), I went to Tiffany's.....picked up 2 nice peices (there goes my personal injury settlement cut I just received LOL :)....and her reaction was....not what I thought it would be. Which is funny. A few months ago I was talking to one of my friends saying that my wife could get a peice of jewlery for 500 dollars or 5,000 dollars ...and it wouldn't matter to her. And I know that. It's a fact. So why am I....sad or...I don't know..dissapointed..that she doesn't have the reaction I thought she would. (Of course I didn't see that "you spent too much money" reaction coming)......again, find your center. When you find your center, you actually give a gift as just that. A gift. Nothing to do with the other person's reaction....the satisfaction should be in your heart.

My last rambling is about Grey's Anatomy. I just watched last weeks' episode where Grey slept with the other intern, and was crying at the end because it wasn't the right thing...and the "player"...is getting...well not played....but kind of put on the back burner by the blonde (I forget their names LOL :)....which...brings to mind a few things.
When you are in a position where you like someone.....love someone...and it's not returned....that is a pain that sometimes seems unimaginable. Why is that? Why do we demand that someone else acknoweldge us...love us...like us even? Think to ourselves....."I'm an attractive man.....I have it going on....why can't you bow down like you should?" For some of us...maybe......it's the fact that another person isn't compliant..doesn't react the way you think they should that draws you to them. But rejection....ahhhhh....that is a pain that I know it's soooo hard for me to deal with. And the second subplot. That's what scares me. I have never considered myself a player. Ever. But...well...let's see..I have had threesomes, I have had a few women at once where some of them knew I was seeing someone else...I have been videoed...I have had sex while a woman called her boyfriend and I heard her say "I love you" to him, while I was deep inside her...I have done.....things. One of the things I have always thought is this. Don't play with me. Seriously. Don't play with me..because if you try to make me jealous..if you try to..manipulate my feelings.....I have dwelled in the land of pure pain and hell. I know emotional manipulation. I can BE karma herself....come to feed you hell on earth.
Why is that? Why do I feel the need to identify those feelings? Why did that episode trigger those things in me...and memories of staring at a woman cry...who other men would do anything to be with...and have that cold unmovable look in my eyes...and feel the power coarsing through my veins as my emotional walls protected me from feeling...any emotion at all?
Well, I don't know, I'm rambling.......I need to review some things, and try to work on this darn book LOL :). Will see ya soon :)