Rambling

What do I do? How do I move into the present and internalize that all the lessons I have learned in my past don't apply to most women? I mean....let's take women. You know it seems the worse you treat a woman..the better they treat you. But that's not all women. Or is it? Why do I wonder about that?

How do I move beyond the idea that it's NOT about my outer appearnace..my outer..achievements. It's about what I want....what I say I need....to be fulfilled. Why have I felt soooo stressed out for so long and for no reason? How do you move beyond this space?

Again..I have a feeling..that I am soooo close. I mean soooooo close! Something huge is about to happen, but I'm not sure what it is. I feel like I am getting more and more in tune with my.....godself..my inner nature. I have to be careful....about my associations now. I think now more than ever, that is critical. I have been blessed with some great friends. And of course there are those who.....don't need to be in the inner circle in my life anymore. Anyway...as the title says..I'm rambling....

All the wrong reasons

Allow me to revisit this jealousy issue. Ummmmm...it still hasn't gone away. And although I step outside myself mentally at times...it still doesn't mean that I have resolved my issues. Why on earth would I have this emotion GRIP me? I mean run through my veins, infect my brain and settle into my heart? It makes no sense! And still I feel it. And what does it do for me? Well.....I have been "excercising" (and that's in quotes beause for now it's a matter of being consistent versus effective right now).....for the last 2 weeks...starting to change my diet (yes, little by little, and there are people who think I'm nuts..they don't see how these love handles are starting to form)........I'm starting to get things together at work, but I have a very long mile to run in that area!!!! The scariest thing for me is that I have not truly taken steps I want to take...internally. I'm talking about being comfortable...truly comfortable...with ME! Just...hey, this is where I am..this is where I'm supposed to be..I'm happy here..no matter where that is! I go back and forth, back and forth..some days, I FEEL it..(I'm on that "No Rib" sh*t)..and other days.....my insecurities fester like a disease! I feel like I'm in a competition..THAT I'M NOT IN!!! No one CARES about how you dress..no one CARES about what type of car you drive..no one CARES whether you're eating right or spending enough time with your family. Those are MY issues. MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE (a la Daffy Duck).
I have to learn to kick back....take satisfaction in the steps that I am taking....and be HAPPY. Again, I repeat, and I get this certain days...my life is a wonderful thing, what on earth do I have to complain about? Nothing. Seriously. This could possibly be one of the highlights of my life...right now. So why do I allow myself to become frustrated? Mental reprogramming. That's what it is really about. That's what I need to do.
Anyway...I have to run some errands.......This is another personal post..maybe later today I will make one that's not so personal.