The rant to follow the poem :)

Why do some of us love to dwell on pain? Why do we allow the emotions of fear, betrayal and dissapointment remain in the forefront of our conscious minds? I am listening to Season's of Love (and NO, I'm not going to write a part 2 to that song just yet LOL :). I can't describe the emotions that run through me sometimes, and although I feel that I don't like these feelings, I think I actually thrive on them to some degree. I mean, why else would I allow them to keep returning? One time I spoke with someone about a specific song, and I was telling them how it ripped me apart every time I heard it because it reminded me of an incredibly painful moment which was spent with them, and they just said "well, don't listen to it then".
Which of course was yet another callous ass statement, but in all actuality it is the truth. I have wondered, is that how I have to be handled? Can I just enjoy love....like anyone else? My wife doesn't have to be cold toward me....so what is it that used to drive me about that? I don't know, I'm on another ramble......now it's Maxwell (Sex on a Thursday night and you'll be jonesin baby...for a brother to hold you tight and keep on going...first lover came and went..didn't even hug and caress you) Well, I still have this poetry book to finish.....procrastination to defeat.....find those victories in my little tasks which I have seemed to intentionally turned my back on..(and what's THAT about). I thought it was getting warm (footnote.....warm weather...equals.....my true power :)......today it was SNOWING at noon. Not like flurries, but huge flakes just coming down as if we were having a snow storm..then the rain washes it away and in a few hours it was just bright as ever, I got my car washed today.
Oh, by the way...got a new car today. Yeah. And of course...still not happy, and where do I go after this? The car I just got which is a 2003 car is worth more than my 2006 that I'm going to turn in (get out of thise mileage hole as quickly as possible, because that lease was going to be sooooooooooo painful!! :).
Anyway......this is my rant :)

The second peice to Under My Skin-V. Green

I feel more alive now
Than I have since I allowed
The pain
The sorrow
To overwhelm and conquer me
Cascading needles of strife driven memories
Ripped my soul apart until I couldn't even see
Pleasure
Satisfaction
Or the inner glow of happiness
Which remained hidden in the recesses of some unknown caress

Strength
A charactersitic I enjoy and admire
Every sword has to be forged and tested by fire
I lay back and prepare for the unknown future which holds mysteries
When I lay back, mouth closed, tasting the bitter sweet pill of my life
Prepare for those fangs which can pierce through your bone marrow like the knife
Through butter
My claws are still sharp
Sometimes I lick those panther lips and wait until this passion is sparked
Immediately exploding into flames
I told you once, nothing could ever tame
The panther which has long merged and ceased to exist
And yet in poetic solitude I still miss
The secret lair I once knew
But that time is gone
And those memories are through

So now I stare blankly into space
Not quite holding onto, but not quite willing to erase
A past unkown to most, but shared by a precious few
Embraces with words unspoken
Smiles that covered the tear stained pain of hearts broken
And yet, sometimes I think I love it here
One of the few places where I always eventually abolish my fear
And rise again like the phoenix
Dazzling all with the beauty
Of
Pure
Unadulterated
Love.