I dreamed about my Dad again. This was a little disturbing to me (I'm up at 4:51am typing it...does that let you know?). The portion of the dream came out of nowhere because I was with my cousin (Mike the Q) and we were going to citibank for something (probably because I took out some money from Citibank today)......for some reason I had to stop by my mother's house (who lives around the corner from the Citibank)....and then somehow we magically wound up in my mother's car. Mike is in the backseat, but I never look at him (and he doesn't appear in this dream again at all)...and for some odd reason my mother is driving a Ford Contour. (She says it's my brother's car) We go to the hospital. My father is laying there with tubes in him, and he has lost sooooo much weight, he is definitely close to dying. (And not those great tubes that you see in Greys Anatomy that look so thin and clean, the fucked up tubes they stick in people when they're dying). He was asleep when we walked into the hospital, and I said something (I don't know what)...and his eyes fluttered. He started talking to me...but he wasn't grounded, he was saying something or singing something I can't remember right now. He sat up, my mother was trying to get him to lay back down. He had the look that he had right before he died (in real life).....but the difference was in real life, his mind never left him, he was always sharp, he always remained focused mentally.
Maybe i'm thinking about how much he wanted to will himself to live...imagine him knowing that after he days I'm the one who is the oldest child to carry on whatever this is that he left. Damn......what a fuck up. I miss him.......clearly I need to find whatever it is in me that he left by touching me with his life...because CLEARLY my life has not been an indication of that.
I love you Dad.
